Peaceful Ways Around 3 Hard College Discussions
College and Grad School Insights provided by admissionsdecisions.com
Welcome! In the spirit of the holidays, we recognize that many will find themselves discussing college applications, undergraduate/graduate studies, grad school applications, and job prospects.
While the hope is that the conversation will be easy, the reality is that many parents and students find the conversations complicated. To make it easier, we have provided a parent perspective and a student perspective for any type of reader out there.
Question 1: How are the applications going?
Parents:
You or your family are bound to ask questions about the application process. They may want to know what the top choices are, if they have received any feedback on colleges, or what they intend to study.
Understand that for many applicants, whether at the college or grad level, there is pressure to have it all figured out. Sometimes, a seemingly innocent question can be taken as additional pressure to make sure they have it all figured out.
Tip: Make sure to emphasize that it is normal to NOT have it all figured out. And understand that sometimes students may not respond the best to it.
Students:
Understand questions are coming about the application process. Most questions will be innocent and are not intended to demand answers. On occasion though, you will find someone who will press you for answers and expect you to have it all figured out.
Remember, it is okay to not have all the answers. For most, you will not have decisions (unless you have applied early).
Tip: Be comfortable with not knowing everything. When you find yourself in a position where you are being pressed, be prepared to disengage. A common answer - “I’ll let you know when I have more information.”
Question 2: How are you doing in High School/College/Grad School?
Parents:
In a recent study, 75% of parents were interested in receiving direct communications from college to know about grades, safety and wellbeing. Legally, that is not always possible for college and grad school, so you have to rely on the student to provide insights.
Understand that students often have challenges they are not always inclined to share with their parents and often, they fail to see that the questions are coming from a good place.
Tip: If there are burning questions for the students, limit yourself to 3 questions. You do not want to interrogate anyone, and most challenges can be limited to a few, open-ended questions. Some examples:
“Have you found the coursework interesting?” (Open Ended) vs. “How did you do this semester?” (Pointed)
“Do you have any plans with some of your college friends?” (Open Ended) vs. “Are you making friends?”
Students:
For students, remember that you are the gatekeeper of all information. Your family has no access to your grades, your day-to-day life, or the ups and downs of your social life. For many parents, this is an opportunity to make sure that you are adjusting well in all ways and are aware of any challenges you may be facing.
Tips: Do not take this as an inquisition. Instead, use this as an opportunity to share the information your family needs to know, while conversing on the things you want them to know.
Examples:
Whether you receive an A or B in a course is ultimately something you can choose to share. If you are about to be on Academic Probation, you should share this with your family. You do not want them surprised by outcomes.
If you are finding success dating in college is your choice to share. If you are struggling with your mental health, you should absolutely share this with your family.
Question 3: Do you have a job/internship?
Parents:
You have made an investment in your children by sending them to college and perhaps grad school, with the expectation that your investment will pay dividend with a satisfying career for your children. That often begins with paid or unpaid internships and eventually culminates with them applying for and receiving a job offer.
When speaking with parents, some of the most common questions they have for their children are:
Do you have a job for after college?
Is it in the field of study you are receiving a degree for?
How much does it make?
Does it require grad school?
Tip: If you have a child in the process of applying to college, level-set with them the expectations of college outcomes. Do you expect for them to be economically self-sufficient after college? Are you going to continue to support them financially? If so, for how long?
Whatever expectations you have set before college/grad school are the ones that should be enforced, and the questions you ask should be in line with those expectations. If no expectations have been set, the holidays are not the time to set them.
Students:
The job prospects questions are coming. Everyone will want to know what you intend to do next, if you have interviews, and if so, where.
If you do not have a job prospect lined up, do not treat this as a reminder of how you have not lined up your next steps.
Tip: Reverse the question to those who ask. If someone asks if you have a job lined up and you do not, ask them if they know of any individuals hiring in the field you are interested in. In our experience, people are usually genuinely excited to offer help to those who ask. Even if it is nothing more than a contact, asking for help can shift the conversation from what you have not done to what you will do next.
Hopefully these help avoid some awkward or tense conversations over the holidays. If you think someone may need some help navigating difficult college and grad school conversations, please feel free to forward.